Remembering father

I was at the shopping mall ,The Spring earlier with the twins, Sabrina and Faizul after picking them up from their routine Saturday afternoon tuition.

I noticed there was a kind of father's day goodies booths trying to woo shoppers to buy gifts for their respective fathers..hmm there was even high end digital SLR cameras , lucky father whoever get that from their children.

I remembered my late father, in our childhood days there was no such special event as a Father's Day, we remembered our father more so presumably during the Hari Raya celebration.

My father passed away 11 years ago from lung cancer. Time may have healed the pain of his passing but the lingering memory of his suffering in pain from the ravages of lung cancer is still fresh in my mind.

When he was diagnosed with lung cancer , i myself was in a denial syndrome refusing to admit that such a serious disease can happen to someone that you realised that you loved and cherished.

My father i believe is a true man of dignity, he was seldom angry with anyone and always have a smile for even strangers.

In my growing up years i resented him sometimes for his simplicity and humility and befitting for such an ignorant bigot like me then i cant see through his unconditional love for all of us.

WE cant see through his sacrifices , we cant see through his total pride when we achieved something and we cant see through his pains when he saw that we erred in our judgements or decisions.

When he was initially diagnosed with lung cancer , he never complained about a need for us to take care of him fully, silently even at most times riding his motorcycle to the hospital to do his routine chemo.

I realised too late the futility of those who suffered from this dreadful disease, in his last months of his life i have tried in vain to make up by spending more time with him at his hospital bed, scourging the Internet for any semblance of a miracle cure for cancer and reciting as much prayers as we can.

I can still remembered his cry of pain as the cancer spread through his body and to the brain. He once said to me that the pain he suffered from the ravages of the cancer that inflicted the brain was just like your head on the road being hit by an incoming lorry.

Only then did i also realised what his favourite things were, his penchant every morning to have a kopi O at a favourite stall in Satok, his yearning for a particular kind of roti(bread) and one wonders what kind of son who cant find time even to realise what a Father's favourite food were.

We all can understand why, he never demands from us what he wants, his concern is his children eg our liking for durians.

An enduring memory of him was seeing him at time coming over to our house on his motorcycle to bring along "keropok" and other goodies for his beloved grandchildren.

On his passing, he did not leave any great wealth or debts except for a perennial memory of a man at peace with the world through his own religious beliefs, respect for the individuals and of course his undying love for his family.

Even in great pain then on his hospital bed knowing the end is near he can afford always a smile at the silly antics of his grandchildren.

To my late father...your silent dignity and patience knew no bounds and we all know we are just half a man we can be and we hope that one day you will still smile at us knowing that your loving children has not despaired you and i know you will not measure us by the wealth we garnered or the position that we attained but by the dignity,honesty and sincerity that we lead our life.

Al-Fatihah,